embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
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[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
This is Sparta
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied