When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
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I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Chicago sounds lovely.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
My inexpensive home security system…
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
🚲+physics = winner
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.