E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
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looks legit
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
is this how new cars are made??
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.