Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
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To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
I needed a laugh this morning.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
How to wake up a Beagle
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Huge, if true.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.