Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
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Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
meow
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.