Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
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Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?