3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
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tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
“I’m helping” 😅
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
only 11 steps left
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔