Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
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Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.