Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
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Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
I love the honesty
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.