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Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.