*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
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Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
My biological clock is wheezing.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.