“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
You Might Also Like
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard