JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
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[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”