JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
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The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.