Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
You Might Also Like
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
British websites use biscuits.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
some things should go without saying
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]