ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
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I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Damn he played himself
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.