*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
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When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Crying is a sign of leakness.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
I’m a self-made hundredaire