Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
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My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.