Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
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All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.