time for some seasonal decor
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*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Its a hippotatomus
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car