PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
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[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.