if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
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Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
this is uni
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.