The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
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him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?