Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
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30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
That 👊
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
dude it’s called proctologist
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.