Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
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I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
I’ll be mad as hell!
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.