The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
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There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls