Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
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When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer: