My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
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Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.