My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
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My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Well well well…
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Thursday Thought.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
sensitive skin
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven