Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
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Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
A Short Story.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta