Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
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Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.