[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
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Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.