Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
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Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
can’t bark with your mouth full
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.