There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
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Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one