Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
You Might Also Like
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.