“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
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WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.