[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
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My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
a lot to unpack here
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand