I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
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Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.