I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
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Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.