The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
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Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
*watches the world burn*
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”