Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
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i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.