Nobody ever collects famous first words.
You Might Also Like
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.