Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
You Might Also Like
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
When ur friends with white people
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.