When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
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My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.