ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
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I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
my lower back watching me try to live my life
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle