Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
đź“·: elevasseur
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I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancĂ©, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home