Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
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If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it