*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
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I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?