what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
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not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”