Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
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Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training